How to Deal with a Spouse Who Doesn't Believe You Have CFS or Fibromyalgia

By Kristi Patrice Carter

Handling a situation where your spouse does not believe you suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia can put a huge strain on your relationship. Feelings of distrust, resentment, anger, frustration, and hurt feelings abound on both sides. You feel hurt and angry because he/she does not believe you; he/she thinks you are a hypochondriac, or worse. Getting the situation under control takes time, effort, and perseverance; three things you do not have much of to invest.

Unbelievably, the person who has to change their mind is you. Someone who does not believe will likely not change their mind unless faced with incontrovertible evidence and, in real life, “Perry Mason” moments of vindication rarely happen. It is likely your spouse will grow to believe you as opposed to you showing him/her proof positive that you, in fact, suffer from a major and painful disease.

To understand why they might have a hard time believing you, consider why they might feel this way. So little is known about the cause and the cure of either illness that most people are still in denial regarding its existence. The skepticism is also fueled by the fact that almost everyone knows someone who claims to suffer from one form or another of these or other nervous symptom diseases and it is nothing more than a crutch for bad behavior and disability payments. A third reason is that like most medical or science mysteries and theories, they prompt passionate reactions, but rarely provide conclusive evidence of their existence.

Consider the great debate between two scientific “theories” that has raged for at least the last one hundred years: Creation versus evolution. True, most of us feel that there is compelling enough evidence to support one version or another, but the fact is that both cannot be conclusively proven using the scientific method, which closely follows medical science in determining the presence, origin, and treatment of disease. Evidence, as any scientist will tell you, can be construed in many different ways up until someone can conclusively prove it as unassailable scientific principle, which you cannot do with a theory. 

The fact is that like the great debate of origin, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, without tangible proof, will always have their doubters. So the best you can do is work to gain their support, even if they do not believe at the outset. Work with them to show them that while you might think you know why you are sick; they need to focus on the fact that you do not feel well.

This might seem like capitulation, but in reality, it is reverse psychology. By accepting their skepticism as healthy and natural, but asking for their support, you put them in a position of saying “no” to a person they love. They already view your claim as bogus, so saying no twice will be even more painful. Plus, only the most insensitive among us would say no to a loved one who is suffering even if we have no clue what they are going through.

Another key is to not overdo it. It is easy, when trying to convince someone, to overreact. This often tends to convince them even more that you are not accurate or being truthful. Letting them glance through a window into your pain will go further than hanging them out the window by their heels.

Finally, always remember that like creation versus evolution, depending on your perspective, believing a theory takes a degree of faith. The same holds true of Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. One day, there might emerge irrefutable proof of their origin, cause and treatment. Until then, however, nurturing the skeptics but demanding support through love is the best you can hope for until they slowly come around.